The Pain of Love’s “Letting Go”

There’s a big problem with Love.

It morphs.

Does Love dissipate? Am I Loved? Am I Loving?

It never stays the same.  It means having to change with Love.

Just ask mothers.  Or a man whose heart has been blindsided by rejection.

Love is NOT temporary!  Nope!  Fat chance of that happening.  If Love was just a contract for a prescribed time-frame, we’d simply move on – unscathed.

The tough part – these changes start before we’re ready.  Subtle nuances sneak into the crevasses of our lives and begin to painfully stretch those spaces and cracks.  Something feels “off”, but defining “it” seems impossible.

It’s a soul nag.  It’s a Universal Tug.  And it hurts.

It’s called “grief”.

Like chocolate bubbling in a pan, signs have been erupting around me.  It’s been painfully confusing.  I became concerned.  Love seemed to be slipping out of my life instead of mellowing into a comfortable, manageable state of mutual exchange.

When I tried to speak about being lost, confused or hurt, I sounded like an egomaniac with a ring on my bottom from sitting so long on the pity-pot.

Or, so I thought.

So here’s what happened…

For a couple of years, Love has been changing all around me.  I realized my role in people’s lives had changed.  As someone said, I was experiencing the fruits of my giving. I wasn’t needed in the same way any more.

If I was experiencing a form of “success”, why were the fruits tasting tart and acidic?

Feeling an unreleased tear, I asked the Universe – what is my purpose now?  What, where and how do I find the outlet for all this Love that has been given to me?

In my younger years, I would have fallen in love with some poor man who was then supposed to fill the hole in my soul.  Today, the Universe conspires…I can only fall in (L)ove.  Big difference…not that I wouldn’t be thrilled over having the love of a man who could understand and support this non-package-able influence.

So…with a desire beyond explanation, I have turned away from entering a love relationship with a male partner.  The women around me who live in loving, healthy and happy relationships cannot understand my modus operandi.  I’ve ceased trying explain.

The various women I’ve mentored over time no longer need my counsel and I have no compunction to begin anew with other women.

Was this part of the aging process?  If so, I didn’t like it.

This week, fortunately, my heart broke open even wider.  I spoke my confusion on Monday, – while with women who have known me a good while.  I asked for feedback.  I heard that I helped them in some sort of way, but I wasn’t looking for strokes.  I needed an answer.

None came.

Afterwards, while in the village, I sat in my car where I could watch people walk by without engaging in conversation.  I meditated on the question, “Where do I belong?”  Still, no answer.

Later, I called each of the women individually to ask for clarity.  I only received answering machines.  Alone-ness stung and anger rose.   Why, with every major corner I’ve had to turn, have people not been available?  (A good victim-question!)  I’m left talking with God.

Now I realize and trust, this outcome has been essential.

For the rest of that day, I prayed for clarity.  I listened for understanding in meditation.  I longed for an answer.  I ached with confusion – where am I to give this Love?  What is my purpose?

On Tuesday mornings for a couple of years, I tune into a radio show given by Marcus and Sheila Gillette.  Sheila channels Theo, a group of Archangels.  Sheila and Theo introduced Esther Hicks to channeling Abraham.

Messages from Theo have consistently resonated with the messages I receive in meditation – Love, Universal Oneness, knowing oneself, doing deep inner work, meditation, fulfilling Purpose…

This Tuesday, the subject was:  What is my purpose?  What timing!  I decided to call in.  I rejoiced when my call was answered and I was put on hold.

When Marcus opened the line, I said to Theo:

“I’m at a crossroads.  There’s change all around me.  I’m hoping this means things are ramping up because I’m willing.  However, it’s causing me to wonder if I’m fulfilling my life’s purpose right now.  And, do I REALLY have the Love to do this purpose?”

Theo’s tone brought tears: (I taped this session so these are the exact words -)

“Of course you do!  Your Love is much expanded.  It is also to understand…hmmmm…we see there’s much change for you.  Much movement…hmmm…moving…physically moving…residentially moving.  This is a coming to fruition and that’s an indication of the personal growth that has occurred – as well for the life to expand.

So, yes!  You are on Purpose…on track.”

This morning, I dialed in to our weekly GenOne Circle and found only one other member available – Theresa in Kentucky.  Normally, our Circle conversation sticks with the teachings from Barbara, given two days before.  Theresa and I completed Barbara’a assignment; then dived deeply into our personal/soul issues.

I told Theresa about my sadness and confusion.  I told her Theo’s response  Suddenly clarity landed with a Loving Grace of indescribable force.

I am grieving.

I am experiencing “empty nest syndrome”.

It’s time to move on.

Where Next? Let the Challenge Begin!

The chocolate bubbling in a saucepan is burping with insight.  I’m experiencing the feeling needed to help me let go.  I could finally see beyond my pain into Purpose.

My soul’s blister finally burst!  Along with tears, a pure, unadulterated joy floods me into a natural floatation of gratitude!

I can now hear, “Let go, Amy.  Watch where this takes us.”

YOU BET!

Love morphs, that’s all.

Life charges ahead!