Fear of failure. In retirement?
The last hours spent on my exam exposed my moral bottom.
Stress, panic, disappointment and unrivaled fear fed the odd curse that sprinkled the last critical stretch of my Justice course.
Pass or fail? The experience meant a walk through the halls of justice and into the courtroom called Harvard where I worked hard for a favourable verdict.
As I moved from one test question to the next, the technological jury only taunted and jiggled the damnable “results” bar upward with each correct answer. I watched it grow, stabilize, move by percentages and creep in millimeters as it dictated my sense of well-being.
What if I failed? How would I face all the people who knew I was taking this course? Why hadn’t I been quiet about it?
I’d break from the exam, pace and realize the level of my anxiety. “This is ridiculous!” I told myself. “It’s only a silly course that I’m taking out of interest!”
As described in the professor’s lecture about lying, I had just told myself a “misleading truth”. While I did register for the course out of interest – initially – after doing well on “mid-terms”, my ego had taken over. What was my motive for telling this half-truth? Was it a moral, just or good reason?
Nope. It was pure ego.
How could I admit to friends, blog buddies, readers, and community people that I failed? How could I disappoint everyone? I’d turned all these people into my parents who I never wanted to let down.
Seeing my folly, I took another break. I had to swim through the negative effects of this fragile ego and somehow come out refreshed. I called on Einstein for a little “divine” help and concentrated on making a healthy lunch.
Dining outside, with Duc le Chat as my peaceful companion, I said, “Duc, I may have some big lumps to swallow. You with me? You gonna stick by me?”
He yawned, clarifying the importance of this dilemma and its effect on this planet.
Refreshed with humour, I came back to my desk, took a deep breath and finished the exam.
Guess what? My prayers were answered. I passed.
I can reserve my swimming for Aquafit.
And Now –
After a month of neglect, it’s time to pare down my inbox, clean up commitments, write, catch up with people and get my life back in order.
I promised to write more about my GenOne course. While I’ve been “attending” the presentations, they’ve had to be a second priority. I’ll now tune in fully and share insights as they come. We’re just in the throes of establishing circles and deepening connections with one another. I am thrilled to learn I am amongst such eloquent, evolving and transformative people.
A path to becoming evolutionary leaders means walking in partnership and love. It means setting new priorities as transformation unfolds for each one of us.
The exercise this week is to recognize “adjacent possibilities” as we look at our lives and encounter others.
Sometimes these adjacent possibilities are sitting in blindspots until life tilts us just enough to reveal the marvelous mystery sitting behind the obvious.