After church, as mom was driving us home, she said, “You haven’t spent much time with your friends this weekend.”
I didn’t want to tell her I was trying to be the best kid in the universe. I couldn’t tell her I needed to be home in case another teacher came with the announcement that Marvin Gobel* was dead. I would need to be there to produce the telltale note.
“Are you sure there isn’t something bothering you?” Mom asked and I burst into tears.
“I killed Marvin Gobel, Mom!” What a relief to say it! What glory to place this immense load in the sunlight of my mother. I howled as the pressure was released.
“What did you say? You killed… What are you saying?” She pulled the car over.
I sobbed through the whole story, ending with a promise that I could show her the offending love note as long as I didn’t have to read it.
She held me close throughout my tale of woe. “You know who I saw in the Store yesterday? Mrs. Gobel. She was heading for the hospital in Rimbey.”
“Oh my God! I hurt him that much?”
“No, darling. We’ll talk about you fighting later, but no, he’s not in the hospital because of you. Marvin had appendicitis. He had to get his appendix out.”
“Did I cause that?”
“No, you did not. Mrs. Gobel said he’d had some painful symptoms for a while and they had been keeping an eye on things.”
“Maybe that was why he was such a coward. All he did was curl up in a ball.”
“He was probably protecting himself from getting the pain back, not because of your blows.”
“Is appendicitis serious?”
“It can be, but Marvin’s fine. Mrs. Gobel said she was going to pick him up to bring him home.”
“Well now I’m really mad, Mom!” The disgust rose like a bile within me.
“I thought you were relieved,” she said.
“Oh, I know I’m in trouble for fighting. But what really, really makes me mad? I actually worried about that stupid creep.”
“You know you are not to call anyone stupid.”
“Wait ’til you see the note, Mom!”
*Marvin Gobel is not his real name.
Hi Guides, I won’t even try to guess what your message will be this time.
Our focus is that you lived through the belief that you had killed the life spark in another human being.
Yes, I did convince myself that I had killed him.
Do you remember how you felt about him while you were in that belief?
He became much more than just “a creep who wrote love notes”. Suddenly he was a life force. I felt in trouble with the whole world and God.
You felt responsible. The remorse was real. The relief of discovering he was alive was valid. These intense feelings have served you as you matured.
It’s interesting that, as I wrote the story, I thought of the subject you brought up in your last message – gossip. Today when I catch myself gossiping, whether as a subtle put-down or something that lessens another person’s credibility in any way, I feel discordant – just like I felt back then.
This is caused by the struggle between the ego and the Unitive Reality where your soul resides.
The struggle shows that any harm done to another human being does damage to one’s own soul. I create a wound in myself when I hurt another. Feeling restless and unsettled. I long for forgiveness. If I am not able to make amends to that person, I go to the Infinite Source. I need love and forgiveness so I can forgive myself so I can give to others.
Forgiving oneself means freedom to love. Without forgiveness, untold amounts of love is kept from others.
Funny, the insights that you bring out in my meditations can seem a tad off the obvious, just a notch off the story. Except after I think about it for a while, the depth opens for me. Your messages reflect the Wisdom that can be easily glossed over.
It is a pleasure working with you, storyteller.
Thank you for all that you give.