From fear to courage in 43 seconds. Is that possible?
First I took a week’s vacation to give myself time to find out what had changed my work demeanor so dramatically. What had happened to the passion I used to feel for this position I had held for three years? What was eating at my soul and giving health-threatening stress too much power?
I typically default on ‘happy’ and now it was ‘frustration’. I was becoming angry too easily. Love for people seemed diminished and that was frightening.
A decision needed to be made about this position, but the choices were not attractive. The parts that I love are many, powerful and fulfilling. The parts that had become unacceptable were few, but too unhealthy to tolerate or ignore.
Getting to my truth meant not accepting surface level labels and excuses. When I wanted to slap on a justification, I persisted and went behind and under those rationalizations. I wanted to wallow in comfortable denial, forget the negatives and put up with the situation so a regular pay cheque would continue appearing.
Decision made: To thine own self be true.
When I returned to the office, I looked forward to testing the environment with fresh conviction. In record time, I was given the first opportunity to gauge the authenticity of how much my expertise, input and action was respected. After I had made a call over a sensitive issue and reported the action needed, my efforts were challenged and my actions duplicated by a superior. When I read the email confirming this, it took me 43 seconds to write my resignation.
There was no fear in those 43 seconds, nor for the next few days.
Now, more than a week later, joy bubbles up inside. I look forward to having time. I catch myself whistling and singing while working. A lightness fills my days once again and I feel enthusiastic about making plans.
It’s difficult to pinpoint when these signs of happiness left me. I hadn’t noticed they were gone. That’s the part that is scary.
When I wake up early in the mornings, I have a chat with the Creator and renew my determination to live with an attitude of abundance. My mind tries to run through the list of monthly expenses so it can effect a little shot of adrenalin.
Instead, I am reminded of an experience a few years ago, just months after buying a home:
My new house took all my savings. After a year of managing okay, I was suddenly faced with changes that meant I would have difficulty making the mortgage payments. One day after I drove into my carport and shut off the car’s engine, I sat behind the wheel and said, “God, this is your home, too. Have you got any ideas?”
I walked into the house to a light blinking on the answering machine. I pushed the button and listened. I was needed on a contract as soon as possible.
That message was about 43 seconds long.